


and we can still climb enough to save our souls

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Bloodlines Series - Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy & Related Fandoms, Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Canon Backstory, Canonical Character Death, Collection: Fandom Stocking 2015, Depression, F/M, Families of Choice, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Relationship(s), Post Silver Shadows, Romance, Skeletons In The Closet, Tragedy, group support, h/c_bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-10 00:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5561596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The horror would forever be at their backs, scarring their souls, but Adrian and Rose could move on with the love that healed what was left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and we can still climb enough to save our souls

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Browneyedmami](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Browneyedmami/gifts).



> Written for Fandom Stocking for browneyedmami’s Stocking. 
> 
> Also decided to do a cross square extra for h/c_bingo combining the two prompts: nervous breakdown and wild card (skeletons in the closet).
> 
> Set after Silver Shadows. 
> 
> This grew out of control but I’m oddly kinda pleased with it. 
> 
> _Soundtrack:_ Revis’ ‘Save Our Souls’

_~They trampled on the fire, that we held in our heart_

_They twist it in our side, whenever they try to tear us apart_

_And when I held your hand, they said it wouldn_ _’t hold_

_But I won_ _’t leave you tonight_

_And we can still fight enough to_

_Save our souls~_

* * *

 

He woke up in a red covered room.

There were portraits of family members covering the walls, each with its own elaborately intricate frame. The sheen of gold shone out from underneath the red, so did the judgmental eyes of each portrayal. Adrian looked out from his seated position, back against a wall. His hands were in his lap and when he tried to move his legs he found them stuck to the tile floor beneath him. His wedding band was missing, which is how he knew it was a dream.

That’s when he realized that the red was blood.

Adrian was coated in it, tried to get up, to keep himself from drowning but he _couldn_ _’t._ Aunt Tatiana’s body was on the floor right in front of him and her dead eyes were glazed over but they were staring right at him. He missed her, missed that she had been the only one who understood him. Until finding Sydney he had been on a downward spiral, even loving Sydney, Aunt Tatiana would never let him forget their once relationship.

He opened his mouth but could only gasp and swallow and _choke_ like a fish out of water. His hands found the wall behind him and he pushed, needing to turn away from the scene and get his head clear for a minute, but he must have been lying in blood for so long now that there was no hope of escaping. Still, he heaved, he pushed, he struggled until he had to stop and catch his breath again. He wanted to turn away from his Aunt but he couldn’t, even covered in blood and lifeless she looked so real. Her eyes were trained on him as if trying to suck out his soul and he wouldn’t be able to stop her.

Aunt Tatiana’s lips parted and her mouth opened and suddenly Adrian couldn’t move. “You’re looking pale, Nephew. Care for a drink?” Her hand, curled behind her, tilted a little and Adrian noticed the glass of vodka in her hand. He looked back at her face, at her lips curling up into a smile. “You’re not drinking enough, darling. No wonder you’re distressed.”

This was a whole new low even for him. Aunt Tatiana was feedings on his cravings again, on his need to drink in order to counteract the uncertainty looming before him and Sydney. He almost took the glass, his hands shaking, but that would be betraying Sydney and he couldn’t afford to lose her emotionally, not now, not _ever_. He was married now and that meant dependability and keeping his head together despite everything coming at them all at once. He had expected Lissa to be on their side, had expected her _support_. It was Rose who had to convince her to let them stay. It was solely Lissa’s status as queen that kept them here, in order to publicly display loyalty for her people.

Her _people._ Adrian shivered despite the dress jacket he had on over his shirt. He tried to loosen his tie, to get more air. When had he and Lissa stopped being _friends?_

Adrian occasionally eavesdropped on their conversations. Being royalty meant he was admitted almost everywhere, yet he was beginning to lose some of his status and respect due to his marriage to Sydney. Fuck them all, he said. Aunt Tatiana only fed on his fears. She spurred him onto dangerous action nearly constantly, she urged him about the rationality of drinking, told him to act or to leave because sooner or later they would rip Sydney right out of his arms.

Sometimes he woke up and she wasn’t there and the panic and loss crushed him so completely that he couldn’t for the life of him do more than stumble out of bed, drop to his knees and sob in the corner. But he never once picked up a drink. It was a testament to his dedication to Sydney.

It was _inevitable_ too. At least that’s what his Aunt reminded him on a daily basis.

He never tried to run either, or relayed the options to Sydney. Staying at court was the only chance they had. He could rely on Rose and Dimitri for now, beg Lissa when it came to it. He hated to put his queen in this position but he would rather die than let the Alchemists claim Sydney as their own again. She had kept her mind, soul and sanity once and Adrian couldn’t expect her to do it again.

Sydney was lying beside Aunt Tatiana now, hair matted with blood, her white wedding dress pooled around her. Adrian’s breath caught in his throat; he had forgotten how drop dead gorgeous Sydney looked in that dress. While his Aunt was on her front, Sydney was lying on her back, head tilted back and resting on the tile, watching him. “The center will hold, Adrian. You’ll always find me in your dreams once I leave.”

“We’re waiting, Adrian,” Aunt Tatiana interrupted, clasping Sydney’s hand in her own.

Adrian screamed.

Strong hands clasped his arms and shook him, dragging him abruptly out of the dream. “Adrian!” The red rippled around him, a whirlwind of blood pressing down on him, blocking his mouth and dripping down into his nose and he was ripped off the floor, no longer able to see Sydney. He was still screaming, sobbing, crying out for her when he recognized the worried face staring down at him as Dimitri’s.

Adrian closed his eyes and opened them again, blinking. He could feel the sweat running down his forehead and cheeks and pooling in his neck. His hand was clenching and fisting the sheets, trying to find something in this world to hold onto.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, one hand swiping over his sweat-soaked face. He expected Dimitri to nod and leave but he sat down on the bed beside Adrian’s legs. His heart beat faster when he remembered not being able to move them before, but he could move them now and he kicked the sheet away, staring at a fixed point on the wall.

Rose had arranged his and Sydney’s suite to be right across the hall from the suite she shared with Dimitri, no doubt so she could keep an eye on the two of them. Never had Adrian been so happy that was the case. As embarrassed as he was for Dimitri to see him like this, he needed to not be alone so much more than stressing out over his dignity.

“Do not concern yourself with trivialities.” Dimitri moved his hand, about to place it on Adrian’s exposed leg, but he obviously thought better of it and pulled it away. To compensate he moved closer, and Adrian prided himself on not flinching.

Adrian licked his lips. “Where’s Rose?”

“With Lissa,” Dimitri whispered. His eyes surveyed Adrian and he wondered what the Russian was thinking. He was probably searching Adrian for any signs of lunacy; Rose had no doubt told him about his track record with drinking. He didn’t want Dimitri’s fear and he especially didn’t want his pity, but although the expression on Dimitri’s face was one he couldn’t fully read, he could read enough to determine that neither was there.

“What about you?”

Adrian had only been at court for three weeks now but he knew enough to know that Rose usually was a package deal; wherever she went Dimitri was close behind. He had nearly as much cause and responsibility to guard Lissa as Rose did, even while officially assigned to her boyfriend, Moroi Christian Ozera. That was why him being here and Sydney not being here literally made no sense.

Dimitri lowered his head. Adrian had seen the guy speechless more than once but he hadn’t been expecting it toward him. They didn’t exactly have the best history. Adrian had convinced Rose to hook up with him while Dimitri was running off doing Strigoi things. It had been a sore spot for Adrian for a long time until he had realized his feelings for Sydney. It was hardly even awkward anymore since Dimitri had stepped up for the newlyweds since arriving at court.

He had even taken extra shifts so as to guard them if they ventured outside the building, which wasn’t often because Adrian hated to feel like a burden, especially when Dimitri had put up with enough shit from him for a lifetime… their history with Rose and all.

And now the guy was here, guarding him while he slept. That or he had come running. Either way, the guy was loyal and dedicated and Adrian was more and more starting to see Rose’s point of view. “Rose has arranged with Lissa that you and Sydney are to be protected at all times,” Dimitri said. 

Adrian would have felt like a prisoner if he wasn’t completely sure that he needed their help. He… he didn’t know what the hell to say, how to even begin how to thank his former fling.

“Oh god.” The Moroi put his head back against the pillows. The weight of the relief was pounded into his starving lungs, easing his nerves. The weight of what Rose and Dimitri had _done_ for him and Sydney. He need never have doubted Rose or Dimitri; he and Sydney still had friends here. The heat of a hand soaked into his leg, under the smell of new leather the scent of pine cones and snow coming from Dimitri. Sydney had always claimed she had never seen loyalty like Dimitri’s. Adrian got that now, he understood it so well that he wanted to wrap his arms around the guy and hug the life out of him.

“Would you like me to find Sydney?”

It was a second too early; Sydney walked slowly into the room as if fearing that something was wrong. Adrian realized that the door was still open and that Dimitri had not moved from his space mere inches from Adrian. He was more than relieved now that she was here, and part of it was because it meant that if Dimitri left he wouldn’t be alone.

Sydney looked beautiful in a summer dress Adrian had never seen before, the color of buttercups. She had straightened her hair and her eyes sparkled heavily in the shadowed room, eyelids shimmering with vivid green eyeshadow that all but completed her golden eyes. She even smelled good, like fresh apples and dew damp grass and _home_ too.

She looked back and forth between her husband and Dimitri uncertainly. “Is everything okay?”

Dimitri patted Adrian’s hand before standing up. He didn’t look at the Moroi. “Everything is fine,” he reassured Sydney. “I merely wanted to check on the both of you. If you will excuse me…,” he left the room before Adrian could tell him thanks or his wife could question him further.

His wife. He was really getting used to that.

Sydney pulled back the drapes from the window and light flooded into the room. Adrian groaned, covering his face with a hand. After a moment of adjustment he checked his fingernails, looking for flecks of dried blood underneath them and finding none. Sydney wasn’t paying attention for the moment, pulling off her shrug and hanging it up in the closet.

“Where’d you head off to?” Sydney was dressed for something a bit grander than anything that could be going on in the building. The dress was simple but it was also short and slimming and shimmery and it brightened Sydney’s eyes, all of it hitting the right buttons for the Moroi.

“I just went down to get some breakfast in the lobby. Here,” she handed him a granny smith apple. Adrian took a bite to please her but still sent her a questioning glance. She caved under his curious stare, smoothing out her dress. “I’m sick of going down there and feeling like the farthest thing from royalty.”

Adrian pulled her into his arms, hand straying under her hair and cupping the back of her neck. “You’re not. You’re married to me, Sydney, and that makes you royalty. Even so,” he took another bite of the apple, trying to convince her that he was feeling fine even though Sydney couldn’t be so easily distracted when it came to Adrian’s unfortunate vices. “You’re my queen and that’s all that matters.”

The Moroi could tell she was trying not to smile but her lips betrayed her, curling up into a sexy half-smile. Her hand was cool as it cupped his cheek. “You should come down with me tomorrow. I’ll wait for you.”

He shuddered inside at the thought of confronting people he now despised, those who wouldn’t accept his wife. “Sounds like a date,” Adrian grinned, kissing her maple flavored lips. Sydney curled against him, breathing into his mouth as she kissed him back. She moaned when Adrian lifted her up and pulled his wife into his lap, grinning into her open mouth when she wrapped her arms around his neck, hair she was letting grow out silken as he ran his fingers through the strands.

 _‘We’re waiting, Adrian,’_ his Aunt’s voice echoed. Except it wasn’t an echo, she was standing by the window, glass in her hand shimmering in the sun.

He could normally escape his Aunt in moments of happiness, further proof that she was a direct side-effect of the spirit rather than the drinking, but there was no hope of the memory of her dissipating. Dimitri had been kind enough not to question him about the dream, _nightmare,_ but if Sydney had suspected anything more she would have drilled him about it. It was the last thing he needed to think about right now. He had already carefully weighed telling Sydney about Aunt Tatiana and had concluded that it was entirely out of the question. Sydney already had to worry about the Alchemists, she didn’t need further proof of his loss of sanity and slipping grip on reality.

Besides, what Sydney didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.

* * *

 

_~And, turn this around_

_Put it behind, like I didn_ _’t know_

_Turn on the light_

_Open your eyes, like I didn_ _’t show_

_It may be enough to try to_

_Save our souls~_

* * *

 

Rose was pulling the ponytail out of her hair when Dimitri entered their bedroom and closed the door behind them, despite the fact that they were in an empty suite. Since she and Dimitri accompanied Lissa to court, Lissa had arranged for a suite for the two of them instead of separate rooms, knowing they would want to live together. And now was the start of their new lives.

She hated wearing her hair up to show off her molnija marks, it always gave her a headache, but Dimitri insisted that she never cut her hair. Not that Rose liked to be told what to do - she often did the opposite of what everyone else demanded, even in life or death situations, questioning authority was something she was quite proud of - but Dimitri’s opinion did matter to her and she wanted to make him happy. Besides, she liked to think her hair was one of her defining qualities.

The Dhampir dropped the ponytail on the table as Dimitri’s fingers brushed through her hair, working out the tangles. She leaned her head back against him, closed her eyes and willed the day away already.

She had been forced to stand guard in nearly a dozen of Lissa’s boring routine meetings. It wouldn’t have been so damn depressing if Rose wasn’t so used to having Dimitri with her to pass the time. That may have depended entirely on Christian being with Lissa, but he rarely left her side so it wasn’t much of a problem. Not that she and Dimitri would talk or do anything but keep two pairs of eyes on their surroundings, but she never truly thought she’d be able to work with Dimitri and here she was, able to spend nearly every waking moment with him.

It made a girl get a little dizzy sometimes.

 “How’d your day go?”

“I missed you,” Dimitri breathed into her neck. With his lips pressing against her skin, his whisper forming goosebumps and her heart tumbling wildly in her chest, she didn’t really need an answer to her question. She turned around, meeting with a chestful of warm, manly smelling, protective Russian. This was the part that she always looked forward to. Dimitri chuckled at her overly innocent expression, scooping her up and carrying her over to the bed. Rose could thank Lissa a million times over for giving them their own suite, could worship her for the king size bed, but now really wasn’t the time. She maneuvered her long sleeve shirt off and, back facing Dimitri, her heart sped up as Dimitri’s deft fingers worked on the hooks in her bra, unlatching it with practiced ease.

Rose grinned. Yeah, he had quite a lot of practice now in _that_ department.

“What’s today’s occasion?” The Dhampir questioned, even though there never was any occasion. If there _was_ an occasion like one of their birthdays or their anniversary, then Dimitri insisted on postponing this part and doing something else first. Vacations were out of the question so Rose made long days go faster by thinking of things she’d like to do with Dimitri that were local and at court. There wasn’t much: parties, luncheons that were too elegant to be classified as parties, book clubs for the more literate of Moroi society, more parties, gatherings of important officials, cooking and Rose’s ‘what the fuck?’ at cake-decorating classes, and did she mention even more parties? Don’t get her wrong, she enjoyed a good party from time to time, but she considered herself as matured since stepping up as Lissa’s guardian and forming a relationship with Dimitri. Besides, what was a party when Dimitri was waiting for her in their suite?

At times like these, she was pretty happy that the guy was antisocial. Rose could happily reciprocate in that area.

The awesome thing about Dimitri was that he never pressured her into anything. If she wanted to go to a party he never made her feel childish, or begrudged her for rejecting a night in. Her man was incredibly understanding and did Rose mention really ridiculously sexy too?

Yep, _totally_ won the lottery. 

“Does there need to be one?” Dimitri asked, running his fingers over her molnija marks, tracing them lightly with his fingernail. He was always admiring them and it made her feel special. She was no longer the novice she had been when she met him. Not that she didn’t mind learning under Dimitri, she still did in ways, but it couldn’t have lasted forever. She had gained both his love and respect. Still, as much as the molnija marks were a sense of pride, earning her the respect of most Moroi and Dhampirs, they were also a heavy weight she would forever have to carry. Those Strigoi killings were _good_ , she told herself, but Dimitri always understood when she couldn’t hinder herself from reliving the past. Regardless of how _good_ those killings were she had still killed, had taken in a bit of darkness from each one. It was ridiculous but she was comforted because Dimitri felt the same way, and he had withdrawn inside himself because of it.

When he first met Rose he had been driven away from happiness and the world he had once known. Since then he had lost his soul and regained it again, yet it hadn’t been a perfect transition. There were scars there that couldn’t be healed. The world had darkened and bled into him and Rose knew happiness had seemed like such a long shot.

Now they could get it back.

Rose shook her head. “Nope. Totally fine with there being no occasion.”

Dimitri’s days as a Strigoi would forever leave him scarred, and Rose would do anything to take away those lingering traces of guilt, yet the agonizing experience had tested their relationship in ways Rose couldn’t have even dreamed up. Rose had tried to love Adrian and tried to force herself to let Dimitri go because it was what Dimitri wanted, but this was an impossible feat for the both of them. They couldn’t forget or forgive. They could only move on with each other, taking in their shared pain, making it their own.

Now, when it wasn’t Rose’s problems or Dimitri’s problems or Lissa’s problems, it was Adrian’s.

He must have noticed her distraction. “Are you alright, Rose?”

“I’m worried about him,” Rose admitted, resting her head against Dimitri’s chest. She didn’t need to give her concerns a name; Adrian was no longer a part of her past. She felt she owed him _this._ She owed Sydney even more, if she couldn’t protect her from those that hunted her then she would never forgive herself. She knew Dimitri wouldn’t either. Rose had told Lissa what Sydney had done for her after Rose was broken out of prison, but Lissa was her queen now and that meant she was distracted, distant and preoccupied with court concerns. She was still the same Lissa that Rose had always known, but she had changed too. Forced to grow up even more. Her people came first now, even before friends like Adrian, even before Rose. 

She expected Dimitri to be turned off, but he only smiled gently at her and kissed her neck. “That’s what I love about you, Roza. You care so much about the ones you love. It makes me so proud to know you, to call you my own.” That thick Russian accent whispered into her skin did all sorts of things to her, distracting her with such delight even when the future of her friends was uncertain.

“Mmm,” she moaned and he continued to kiss her, trailing a line of soft kisses across her cheek and down her neck, teeth nipping lightly at her skin. Her body caved under his touch as his fingers unbuttoned her jeans and slid them down around her ankles. Rose never thought she could know this much happiness, to hold it in the palm of her hand and feel it beating in her heart. She felt so beautiful when Dimitri undressed her; even when he looked over at her while on duty she felt like the most beautiful girl in the world.

Adrian always joked about their auras when she and Dimitri were together, but even the Moroi knew the gravity of what they had. She had been meaning to ask Lissa about Sydney’s aura when she was with Adrian. She was overjoyed that Sydney had found her own happiness, even if she was still a bit skeptical that it was with the notorious Adrian Ivashkov.

Dimitri’s hand ran sensuously down her back, fingers smoothing through her hair. “Say that again,” she pleaded, Dimitri’s _Roza_ never overused.

Her Russian bear didn’t hesitate. “My own. My Roza.”

They didn’t rush, they never did because they had all the time in the world. Or, at least, they had the whole rest of the night, pending a life or death situation. Dimitri worshiped her body with his hands and kisses and Rose simply sat there and enjoyed the attention, trying to lose herself in his adoration for her. She was laid down on her back eventually, Dimitri brushing away the hair that had fallen into her face. The first time she felt self-conscious lying naked under his intense stare, worried that there would be disappointment there, but she had long since learned that she could never disappoint Dimitri, only give him happiness.

Dimitri curled up around her completely exposed body, placing a hand over her heart. “Adrian will be fine,” he reassured. “He has Sydney now to keep an eye on him.”

“Sydney has a handful,” Rose said.

Dimitri’s lips curled. “As do I.”

“You do not!” Rose smacked his shoulder and Dimitri laughed, this full body laugh that was the most gorgeous sound in the world to Rose’s ears. “You take that back right now, comrade!” She lashed out again, pushing him back but he pinned her down and kissed her long and soft.

“I’m on your team, Rose,” he murmured, thumb stroking her cheek. “Always.” Rose didn’t need the reminder. Dimitri’s support was infinite. If she made a call then he would stand by it and try to talk sense into her later, if need be. That was rarely the case, their minds were on the same course, hearts the same. She would always fight for however long, no matter the cost. That was who she was and that, she supposed, was what Dimitri loved best about her. “Now,” Dimitri said. “Sydney and Adrian are enjoying their night just down the hall, and I have posted a guardian at their door just as an extra precaution.”

Rose breathed out. Dimitri cared too, so much, that might be what she loved best about him. Although, she could think of _plenty_ of other things. “Good call. Now…,” her eyelashes fluttered and she smiled up at him daintily, knowing it made Dimitri ravenous. “Back to business?”

“Business indeed,” Dimitri breathed, opening Rose up like she was a flower.

And Rose _blossomed._

**FIN**


End file.
